Why am I this way?

I am a 41 year young lady and I can't stand kids!  I don't want them around me, I don't want to him them cry or wimper or even simply talking to me!  I want someone to tell me or help me understand why this is happening to me?  I am going to tell you this and I'm sorry if it offends anyone, but I have watched tv shows of women killing their kids and I literaly understand why they do it.  I would be one of those women sitting in jail right now if I had not given custody up to my son's dad.  How sad is that?  How sad is it going all of your life in misery?  Wanting to love and care and spend time with my son and can't.  I can hear a baby cry and I could actually pop it's neck into.  That is why I chose at the age of 22 to have my tubes tied burnt clipped, as to never ever having another child.  I see kids that are so cute and adorable and I want so bad to love on them and play with them and I physcally get sick with the anger that comes over me.  It has taken me away from own son, my friends kids, my whole life has been living in fear.  I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a mom that hated my guts because I reminded her of my dad and his side of the family.  Even though I was a daddy's girl, he beat me severely, many of days I had to go to school with black and blue bruises on me where he beat me for going to my softball game or for singing a song he didn't like.  I was molested for many years by my dad's friends and one of his brothers.  I was raped at knife point when I was 21.  I have jumped from one man to another, and being abused by them also.  I was so mistreated by my mother it was unreal, (to hear her say it I have been pregnant since I was ten years old).  I didn't even know what sex really was.  All I ever wanted was to be loved in a true and sincere way.  So here is my biggest regret!   Three years ago I met and fell inlove with the most wonderful man I have ever met or come acrossed.  We have great times together, we laugh, we love, we joke, or we just sit in silence knowing that we dearly love each other.  He has two kids, his daughter is really not a big problem she is 18 and really the only time we here from her is when she is wanting money, but their is a little boy the age of eight years old, and I can't stand to hear that he is coming for the weekend.  We never argue until it's time for him to pick up his son for the weekend and it's like I turn into the devil.  I have so much anger and madness and just peer hating that he is coming into my house.  After arguing over and over we finally sat down a couple of nights ago and tried to figure out a solution, well we did.  He is going to get custody of his son and when he does we are going to separate.  This will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do is give him up to a freaking kid, but I know the pain and see the pain in my boyfriends eyes when he talks about his son, or when he doesn't know where the mother has dropped the son off.  I see this and I have to be very strong and let him go.  This is not fair!!!!  Once again in my life I have to give something I dearly love!  Just because of a freaking kid!  I'm really a sad indiviual for having these thoughts in my head.  I want to know why I can't love a child and be around a child without losing my freaking mind?  Please someone tell me where or what to do?  I'm lost in a world and can't find my way out.  HELP!!!!!! 

Why am I this way?

I just spent over an hour posting my blog and in a split second my cursor was jumping all over the page and boom everything I typed was gone in a flash!  What in the world happen, I can't find it anywhere!